I have a lineage of strong women in my family. My mother’s mother was an orphan. She was five or six when she was adopted by a family that couldn't have children. It was pre-depression era in Tennessee. Her adopted father died, her mother remarried and had her own biological kids. Her sibling was biological and preferred and my grandmother fell by the wayside. She developed so much strength through that experience. She played piano, and she still plays. She played through her chemotherapy in her 70s and early 80s. The piano was her constant.
How old is she now?
She’s 83, 84. She married my grandfather who turned out to be bipolar with schizophrenic symptoms. Her whole life was so hard. She had five children. One of them was an alcoholic and died pretty young. Her story sounds so hard when you think of all the negatives, but when you meet her you wouldn't know it. My mom was her second child. She had a lot of responsibility because they were very poor. My grandfather didn’t really work.
Where did they live?
They lived mostly in east Tennessee, in the Smoky Mountains. Just a long history of severe poverty. But she waited tables and managed a restaurant until a couple years ago. She had to quit when she got breast cancer.
What about your mother?
My mom has a lot of strength passed down from her mother, having a lot of responsibility early on. She was determined to go to college. She went at age 17, and graduated in three years. She got married super young. She just wanted to get a job. She didn’t feel like she could follow her passion. She just needed to get out of her house, out of poverty. Her father was bipolar, and it was not a great home environment. She and her sister were the first to go to college from the family. She studied accounting and became a CPA, which was clearly not her passion.
What was her passion?
She always says she wished she had been a professor. She’s really good at research. She was very focused on giving me enriched experiences, because she had so little of that. I started piano, flute, clarinet, oboe, karate, ballet, jazz, tap, soccer, swimming, gymnastics. I did everything, which is great for my personality. Because of her experience, when it came to me, she said, whatever you want, and I wanted a lot. She let me do anything. So it was about giving me access to opportunities that she didn't have. That was her priority.
How does your relationship with your mother influence your experience of being a mother?
I think I put a lot more emphasis on relationships, social interactions. I haven't had my daughter in a single lesson since she was born. I think we’re swinging back kind of the other direction. My PhD research was in early childhood music education and how it affects the brain - how it prepares them. My daughter will be doing that for sure, otherwise I’d be a total hypocrite! I think there needs to be a healthy mix of stable home environment and knowing that. No arguing between parents in front of children, and access to opportunity and skill development. I want her to have both of those things. But that means that I can't be running around carting her to activities.
Why did you decide to research your topic?
I majored in music. My grandmother being a pianist, my mom insisted I play piano. I majored in piano and oboe performance. I also started a masters in musicology, but my heart wasn't in it. I was interested in the mind - psychology. I love getting into people’s minds.
It sounds like you could have about ten careers?
It’s an artifact of my upbringing. You can do it all! I was interested in the mind. Music and the mind goes well together. I wanted to do trauma therapy - I wanted to be a psychiatrist. My husband and I were in Sierra Leone for a while, and I wanted to do war trauma therapy. Music was a good link from my past history. I started my PhD thinking I’d go to med school, and I achieved candidacy in music cognition, then I transitioned out and ended up getting my PhD in neuroscience. I ended up doing two PhDs.
When did you have your daughter?
My last year in grad school. It was wonderful. Both my husband and I were writing our dissertations, and we have so many pictures of her on our chest as we’re typing. Sometimes I wonder if we waited too long, because she is so fun, but we were wrapped up in what we were doing. When we finally decided, we got pregnant right away, and we were really surprised. We didn’t know if it would work out, but she’s the best thing that came along. She’s made us make more practical decisions. I left academia and got a job in consulting. Before her I was doing research studying learning.
How do you think being a mother has changed your views of motherhood?
I think I have a lot more grace for my mom. I was really hard on her. Almost every woman will say this - I think I held her responsible for some of the emotionally difficult issues in my household. But I failed to see all the incredible things that she had done for me. All the issues of a typical overindulged middle class child. I didn’t appreciate how much I had. Until you have to provide it. My mom she worked full time. Just recognizing how much she’s done for me, as far as providing and giving me access to opportunity. I don't know that I’ll do as well with my own daughter, but I hope so, and I’m super grateful. I’m a dreamer, and she allowed me to do that.
If your daughter becomes a mother some day, hopefully she’ll learn that grace toward you?
First I hope I can do it all perfect. And second, because I know I won't, I hope she’ll have lots of grace.
Did your mother always push you toward practical choices?
No, not at all. She emphasized very practical priorities, but she never forced me into that mold. Still, something snapped in me after having my daughter. My husband was an adjunct professor, and I had a graduate school stipend. We lived in a one bedroom apartment in Chicago. My priorities shifted. I wanted my daughter to have all the richness of experience, but for me to provide that, I needed a bigger paycheck. But even my practical job, i'm finding all of the mission in it. I’m still totally fulfilled, and all the same parts of me are active.
What is your favorite part of your day as a mother?
My favorite thing is to snuggle her at night. I work a lot, so my constant is one on one time. I hold her until she falls asleep. Which is ridiculous for a 4 year old, but that is the time that I have with her. She tells me about her day, and I want to be there to hear all of the details. I have friends who are so much better at this balance. I feel guilty when I’m away from her, even if I’m doing things that are for work, things that are clearly good for me and her.
If you had to say one thing insightful about motherhood, what would you say?
I don’t think this is really insightful, but I know that regardless of the past, whether she’s happy with what I’m doing or not, I know she’ll love me like crazy, and that love is so deep. It is an absolute privilege to experience that with my own child.
